"Some of my coziest childhood memories are of my mom driving me to these places, listening to the trumpets blat the “All Things Considered” theme in her Astro van."
Suddenly it's 1995 and I'm headed to a swim team meet I sorta want to do and sorta want to bail on. Wow.
We started Girl Scouts this year and I let myself get talked into volunteering. Even if you are not officially volunteering, it asks a lot more of parents than I had anticipated. Scouts aside, I've come to appreciate the one-to-one time in the car taking my kids to and from activities. They're at an age where everything (except Scouts) is drop-off so I end up with a couple of hours to myself to go to a coffee shop or walk around listening to podcasts or whatever.
I remember when my husband brought home the flier for SoccerShots from preschool and I was like "oh no here it comes!" I'm not anti-activity but even with just one kid, I was perpetually tired and the idea of doing ANYTHING extra felt cruel. Fast-forward nearly three years later and we're doing swimming lessons and soccer (indoor during the winter) and in some ways it feels like a lot but it also feels like outsourcing the parenting for two hours out of the week. One of us still has to be in the pool with him and right now that's my husband, so I take over soccer duty which, now that he's almost five, is just about sipping coffee, gabbing with parents, and periodically yelling, "listen to your coach!" I'm haunted by something Heather Havrilesky said in ASK POLLY about feeling slightly chagrined by how her sister's approach to activities had yielded children who'd developed real talents at a couple of things. At the same time I HATED my mother insisting I play soccer when I didn't want to because I was a good goalie (she STILL talks about it). So I don't know. Right now it's easy because our kid likes swimming and soccer. But I'm eying his long flexible fingers and dreaming about Chopin recitals. Someone stop me!
Thanks for writing this! I have four kids and when I was pregnant with the baby the thought of paying for and getting to four separate summer camp weeks kept me up at night. The only thought that helped was that eventually they could get summer jobs instead. Yes to feeling like I am running a boarding house, and yes to their constant longform tallying of fairness.
We're outliers in our community with 2 full-time jobs and just 1 kid. So many of the activities are after school and we're working! Schools finish at 12 on Friday but there are no afterschool activities which seems wild to me. So we do weekend swim and ukulele, and Beavers (Scouts) 1 night a week, and that feels annoying but manageable. We're dropping ukulele at Easter because he doesn't practice and it's REALLY expensive.
I was anti for a while and have been boiled in a pot this year, my kids are doing WAY too many things and I plan to declare bankruptcy for next year and their only activities be school sponsored after care and staying alive. I’ll probably still let my oldest do her plays because that’s important to her but I’m also trying to talk her out of it. I don’t know how I let myself get here but I’m done.
Pre-kids, I was the opposite of you and thought I would be taking my child to ALL THE CLASSES. Part of me thought this way because I was teaching one of those enrichment classes and imagined I would bring him along, and part of me really wanted to be part of that group at story time/baby music/ gymnastics. Then my son was born in June 2020 and all of that went out the window, and I think for us, that was a good thing. Other than a once in a while free drop in "art class" at our rec center, we don't do any activities and it feels great. We have made a bunch of neighborhood friends at the local park, so we are riding the free socialization wave as long as we can. When kiddo starts asking to do stuff, we can talk about it, but for now, like the majority of three years olds, he doesn't care.
Yes to all of this. We only have one child and, compared to the rest of the families in our middle-class suburb, very strong boundaries around activities, and STILL it feels like too much. My husband and I try to still exercise (he's a cyclist so that means like 3 hour rides) and work on hobbies (for me, that's writing), and it just feels like three-way tug-of-war over who gets to do what they want at any given time. My daughter is in Girl Scouts (in a very high maintenance/enthusiastic troop; don't ask me her cookie goal this season lol); and also dance twice a week, and it feels like SO MUCH. But when I was a kid we were poor and my mom was single so our only extracurricular was church 3x a week, and I do think there are some benefits to these for kids. It's a hard line to walk!
I had a covid baby and for a lot of my early time with him, I wanted SO BADLY to attend a story time at the library or mom playgroup. I thought that if I had these things, motherhood would be easier. (Still don't know about that, lol). Once he was old enough to do Music Together, I signed us up. The first eight week session was great, but then when he got deeper into being two, it became hell. I was so embarrassed by his behavior in class, I would pull him out and just sit in the hall. Why was I paying money to just be mortified by my toddler acting like a toddler?!?!?! Also, we never made friends! Most people just got the heck out of there after class??
A trend I’m noticing in the comments is the shift from drop off for activities to engage and become the 8th coach for activities. Kid activities seem to expect full parental engagement now.
"Some of my coziest childhood memories are of my mom driving me to these places, listening to the trumpets blat the “All Things Considered” theme in her Astro van."
Suddenly it's 1995 and I'm headed to a swim team meet I sorta want to do and sorta want to bail on. Wow.
"erotic death by shared admin" is my favorite phrase of the week!
We started Girl Scouts this year and I let myself get talked into volunteering. Even if you are not officially volunteering, it asks a lot more of parents than I had anticipated. Scouts aside, I've come to appreciate the one-to-one time in the car taking my kids to and from activities. They're at an age where everything (except Scouts) is drop-off so I end up with a couple of hours to myself to go to a coffee shop or walk around listening to podcasts or whatever.
I remember when my husband brought home the flier for SoccerShots from preschool and I was like "oh no here it comes!" I'm not anti-activity but even with just one kid, I was perpetually tired and the idea of doing ANYTHING extra felt cruel. Fast-forward nearly three years later and we're doing swimming lessons and soccer (indoor during the winter) and in some ways it feels like a lot but it also feels like outsourcing the parenting for two hours out of the week. One of us still has to be in the pool with him and right now that's my husband, so I take over soccer duty which, now that he's almost five, is just about sipping coffee, gabbing with parents, and periodically yelling, "listen to your coach!" I'm haunted by something Heather Havrilesky said in ASK POLLY about feeling slightly chagrined by how her sister's approach to activities had yielded children who'd developed real talents at a couple of things. At the same time I HATED my mother insisting I play soccer when I didn't want to because I was a good goalie (she STILL talks about it). So I don't know. Right now it's easy because our kid likes swimming and soccer. But I'm eying his long flexible fingers and dreaming about Chopin recitals. Someone stop me!
Thanks for writing this! I have four kids and when I was pregnant with the baby the thought of paying for and getting to four separate summer camp weeks kept me up at night. The only thought that helped was that eventually they could get summer jobs instead. Yes to feeling like I am running a boarding house, and yes to their constant longform tallying of fairness.
We're outliers in our community with 2 full-time jobs and just 1 kid. So many of the activities are after school and we're working! Schools finish at 12 on Friday but there are no afterschool activities which seems wild to me. So we do weekend swim and ukulele, and Beavers (Scouts) 1 night a week, and that feels annoying but manageable. We're dropping ukulele at Easter because he doesn't practice and it's REALLY expensive.
I was anti for a while and have been boiled in a pot this year, my kids are doing WAY too many things and I plan to declare bankruptcy for next year and their only activities be school sponsored after care and staying alive. I’ll probably still let my oldest do her plays because that’s important to her but I’m also trying to talk her out of it. I don’t know how I let myself get here but I’m done.
Pre-kids, I was the opposite of you and thought I would be taking my child to ALL THE CLASSES. Part of me thought this way because I was teaching one of those enrichment classes and imagined I would bring him along, and part of me really wanted to be part of that group at story time/baby music/ gymnastics. Then my son was born in June 2020 and all of that went out the window, and I think for us, that was a good thing. Other than a once in a while free drop in "art class" at our rec center, we don't do any activities and it feels great. We have made a bunch of neighborhood friends at the local park, so we are riding the free socialization wave as long as we can. When kiddo starts asking to do stuff, we can talk about it, but for now, like the majority of three years olds, he doesn't care.
Yes to all of this. We only have one child and, compared to the rest of the families in our middle-class suburb, very strong boundaries around activities, and STILL it feels like too much. My husband and I try to still exercise (he's a cyclist so that means like 3 hour rides) and work on hobbies (for me, that's writing), and it just feels like three-way tug-of-war over who gets to do what they want at any given time. My daughter is in Girl Scouts (in a very high maintenance/enthusiastic troop; don't ask me her cookie goal this season lol); and also dance twice a week, and it feels like SO MUCH. But when I was a kid we were poor and my mom was single so our only extracurricular was church 3x a week, and I do think there are some benefits to these for kids. It's a hard line to walk!
"Keeping him entertained brought us a slow drip of peace which at that time in our life had equal market value to “fun.” YES
I have so many thoughts about this.
I had a covid baby and for a lot of my early time with him, I wanted SO BADLY to attend a story time at the library or mom playgroup. I thought that if I had these things, motherhood would be easier. (Still don't know about that, lol). Once he was old enough to do Music Together, I signed us up. The first eight week session was great, but then when he got deeper into being two, it became hell. I was so embarrassed by his behavior in class, I would pull him out and just sit in the hall. Why was I paying money to just be mortified by my toddler acting like a toddler?!?!?! Also, we never made friends! Most people just got the heck out of there after class??
We are no longer in music lessons. :)
A trend I’m noticing in the comments is the shift from drop off for activities to engage and become the 8th coach for activities. Kid activities seem to expect full parental engagement now.
this is so very excellent.