I took the last two weeks of the year off work. I managed to leverage lots of sick leave and EFMLA this year in service of childcare, but my vacation balance was preserved, rising like a 2020 countertop sourdough with each pay period that passed. I probably “should have” used more vacation time this year on account of…what year have I ever felt more burnt out? But the reality was that taking leave this year would have just meant doing childcare all day for one or both kids. The deletion of my day job for a day or two did not have much to offer in the way of self-care. In a sick twist, hiding out in my bedroom office with my big soft headphones muffling the sound of aggrieved whines was often the most calm I felt this year.
There was a time when taking extended time off work, i.e more than the occasional mental health day, without going on some sort of trip would have felt like a waste of my paltry American vacation time. For once, I’m not guarding my PTO jealously like a dragon protecting its treasure. By the time we can actually go on a trip, I will have accumulated more leave.
In March, I “lost” the ability to micromanage my life 6-18 months out the way I’ve always tried to do. It never really made me happy. It just made me feel like I wasn’t letting life happen to me. But I was always letting life happen to me! I just pretended I was steering, a little kid confidently taking the helm at the ship’s wheel, not knowing it’s a big novelty piece, something you’re just supposed to pose next to for photos.
There was also a time when winter break was the worst thing that could happen to a family. It almost hurts to read this piece by Meaghan from January because of what was to come. But this was our reality. Winter break was a nightmare because we had no childcare, our days formless, cold, and unmoored. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.
Two years ago, I was 39 weeks pregnant with Jane on Christmas and staring down a miserable winter break. I could not picture how we were going to fill our days until January in a new town where it was cold and wet outside, where we had no friends or family, and nothing to do. Day trips felt risky because of the chance I’d go into labor. Now I want to haunt those people in that death trap apartment and tell them, Just put on the TV literally all day! Nothing matters now or indeed ever!
Jane finally showed up and the day after I was discharged from the hospital, Desi went returned for the first day of preschool. We happened to be the predetermined “snack family” that day according to his preschool calendar, which also included a suggestion of what we should bring. I found these suggestions annoying as you can imagine, but I also nearly always followed them because the alternative would be to think of an idea myself. We were to bring “fruit shishkebabs” that day to preschool. I frantically peeled the last five clementine oranges from a netted sack purchased before Christmas, and instructed Nick to drop Desi off, then buy cut fruit and run it all back to school. And that he should not, by any means, skewer the fruit, because fuck that we literally just had a baby,
Our kids are both home through January, Desi indefinitely, but at least during these final weeks of the year, Nick and I are doing full-time childcare without also trying to manage our jobs. I feel a sense of peace right now, like I’m microdosing benzos. Holiday expectations cranked down to nil, time away from work, my kids at a really good Christmas age. It’s calming to me. Nearly as calm as a solid few hours catching up with my friends [podcast hosts] while I work undisturbed.
I feel confident that Nick went and bought the cut fruit that day and sat in the parking lot of Desi’s preschool, stabbing little arrowheads of strawberry onto wood skewers. His drive to be a team player is stronger than mine, also I was still filling diapers with blood.
Nick just asked me to explain who Hilaria Baldwin is, which was like a little vacation for me, no PTO required. Merry Christmas if you celebrate, Happy New Year, I can’t wait to inhale your droplets after we all get vaccinated.
yr mate,
Evie
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